Pam: I've been getting high for the last 12 days without sleep. On the 18th my mother passed away. I didn't say goodbye to her. I didn't make peace with her.
BW: What was it like growing up with her?
Pam: She was a drug addict so I guess I get my traits from her. She was also bipolar so it was weird. It was like normal one minute and then... she'd make you think you were wrong, like everything was your fault. And then the next second, she was your best friend. We would get high together which is the worst thing we could have done. She wanted to be friends too much rather than be a mom. And my stepfather used to beat the shit out of us so that's all we knew from him.
BW: How old were you when you started partying with your mom?
Pam: I was really young. Like 13. One day I got my period and I thought I was gonna die. She gave me a yellow Vicodin and told me it was a Naprosyn and I was like, woah this is great. Ever since then I loved them. After that it was like drugs all the time. I'd find powder and shit in her purse. I mean we'd always get high together.
Then my stepfather started raping us. Me and my younger sister. My older half brother, he used to fight him all the time. Finally he got a baseball bat and almost killed him. After that my uncle started raping us so... it was drugs and an adult life. It was really miserable. It was horrible. I wish I could take it back.
BW: Take what back?
Pam: My sister having to be exposed to that. She was so much more younger than I was. She was five years younger than me.
BW: Do you think your mom knew?
Pam: Yeah. She denied it but she knew he was raping us and she knew her brother was raping us. She was just in denial. High all the time.
[Tears] Last night was really the first night my mother's death hit me. I actually grieved and cried for hours and hours and hours. I'm still crying. It's hitting me now. The crack is actually the only thing numbing me and keeping me going.