Lindsey: I’m having a very terrible day. I moved up here like a year ago to be with my dad. He’s a crack addict and he said he was doing good and going to meetings but um… he’s not doing good.
So, I moved in with some other people who weren’t the best of people to be around, for me and, to be honest with you, like 50 of them just got indicted. One of them was my best friend, my boyfriend’s brother…So pretty much my whole world is just kinda ripped from me recently. It’s just hard right now.
BW: Do you have a place to stay?
Lindsey: Um, I’m staying with a guy just because, honestly, I just needed a place to stay. And he’s not a bad guy, he’s just… I don’t love him and I’m emotionally kind of… I mean, he’s like 60 years old, not like that’s a bad thing but I’m 30 and I just…
BW: So what about you? Do you have an addiction?
Lindsey: Opiates and like, I’ve done the uppers and I’ve done everything. You would think that having a dad that kinda showed me what not to do, I wouldn’t have done it, but I did. But um, mostly opiates. Oxies, Dilaudid, all that fun stuff, ‘til it’s not fun.
Methadone used to be my thing but I stopped cold turkey when I moved up here. For two months I was literally insane. I didn’t sleep for 14 days and then when I did sleep after that I was hot, cold, like I got agoraphobic. I couldn’t go outside the house. It was horrible.
BW: I know when I was using, I was trying to kill pain. Is there pain that you’re trying to kill?
Lindsey: My dad had a lot to do with it, growing up. He’s the type of addict that will have it all together and he’s the funnest, greatest guy in the world and then he’ll disappear in the streets for years at a time, or until he gets caught, ends up in prison or jail, then does good for a while, gets his shit together and then…
BW: Do you resent your dad?
Lindsey: Honestly? No, because I know that he has a disease. I’ve been in meetings. I know it’s cunning and baffling and powerful. And it wasn’t about me. But when I was little, I thought, if only I was funnier, if only I kept Dad’s interest more, he wouldn’t want to leave me for drugs.
BW: What would you need to get back from being lost? And I don’t mean like a specific place, I just mean like…
Lindsey: I don’t even know what the first step to take is, honestly any more. Like I don’t ugh, I don’t know.
BW: You said you’ve been to meetings before?
Lindsey: It worked when I went, I mean it really did, it helped me a lot. It’s just my willingness isn’t there. And then you know, you fill your thoughts with so many fake people who talk about… you know, it’s like high school. It’s just… I know that’s not real either. It’s just me not wanting to put in the work.
I do believe that was the only way I really stayed clean and happy and content and peaceful. I mean, I know there’s a lot to work on, the steps and stuff, but it’s the only time I felt good since I ever started using.
BW: How long did you stay sober?
Lindsey: 2 ½ years.
BW: That’s a long time. How did you start back?
Lindsey: They sent my dad back to prison for something he did 4 years prior. He was clean with me. We went to a meeting every morning together and I went to my little night time younger people meeting and hung out with my friends. It had become a way of life for me. Then… it tore me up, I mean it TORE me up. I think the same night they took him in, they took him from court to jail, then from jail to prison. I just broke down, I got high that same night.
BW: Everything that has to do with your sobriety and your addiction seems to tie back to your dad.
Lindsey: I know.
BW: You love him a lot, don’t you?
BW: And he let you down.
Lindsey: [Softly] Like every guy. But yeah, he did.
BW: I’m sorry.