Mike: By the time I was thirteen or fourteen I was going to institutions for depression and making suicidal threats. Tried it a couple of times.
BW: Yeah, I noticed you cut.
Mike: Yeah I used to cut on my arms. I get explosive. When I get pissed off and mad. I be afraid about what I’m gonna do to somebody or somebody gonna do to me. Sometimes when I see red, I see blood. When I see blood, I’m willing to go all in. So, instead of trying to hurt somebody or kill somebody, I’d cut on my arm just to feel the pain, to release the anger and frustration that I had towards that person.
I’m thirty-six now. I was doing that all the way til I was thirty-two. So I have a long history with that. Razor blades, knives. And then I used to get so amped up that I’d let someone else cut on my arm, just to feel the pain. Try to get people to feel my pain. Get them to understand what I’m going through, or what I’ve been through or what I’m feeling. To let people know it’s not easy for me.
BW: So, it’s a way to express yourself? By doing it you’re saying, “look, I’m in pain. Pay attention.”
Mike: That’s right, pay attention. I’m asking for help. I’m calling out for help but I don’t know how to call out for help. This is the best way I know how and if you can’t see that, I don’t know what else to tell you.
BW: You quit doing it a few years ago. How did you…
Mike: Well, it got to the point where it was getting old. I had to grow up outta that shit. I had to realize that everything that happened to me, happened for whatever reason. What’s done is done. Can’t change it. Can’t twist it around, it’s done. It’s time to move on from that and better myself as a man and help the next person that’s going through what I went through.